If you’re a surviving sibling wondering whether a grief partner could help you heal, you are not alone. Below are some of the most common concerns I hear:
“No one really understands. It’s been two weeks and everyone expects me to just move on.”
“I’ve spent so much time helping my parents cope with my sibling’s death, I haven’t had the time to process things myself.”
“I’ve been tasked with cleaning out my sibling’s apartment and I don’t know how I’m going to do that alone!”
“I’m the only person who can take care of my sibling’s young children. How am I going to care for two more children in addition to the three I already have?”
These are some of the most common concerns I hear from surviving siblings. The common thread in the above statements (and I could list dozens more) is that quite often, surviving siblings are last in the pecking order of grief, relegated to role of caregiver rather than someone who is also grieving and in need of compassionate support themselves.
This is largely due to the disenfranchised nature of adult sibling grief, something I have written a great deal about in my book. The term, first used by Kenneth Doka, refers to individuals who grief is not openly acknowledged, validated or supported by society. Even when the grief is recognized, often, surviving siblings are cast into the role of caregiver, rather than legitimate mourner. With this in mind, surviving siblings need reenforcing support. I think the adoption of a grief partner can be a vital step in dealing with any loss. But particularly in the case of surviving adult siblings, whose grief is often not adequately validated or supported by society.
What Is a Grief Partner?
The challenge is to try to identify at least one person with whom you feel safe and comfortable in sharing your feelings. Within the first week or two of bereavement, ask this person to be your grief partner. A grief partner is a person to whom you can turn, daily, if necessary, to share your feelings.
This person need not be an expert in matters of loss and bereavement, but you should be able to trust him or her. He or she should be compassionate, willing, and available to simply listen.
Your grief partner should also be able to help you attend to some of the practical matters associated with losing your sibling, such as dealing with funeral homes, lawyers, and helping you to find time to grieve.
How to Choose a Grief Partner
Ideally, this person should also be a surviving sibling whose loss is far less recent, but it can be anyone with whom you feel comfortable in sharing your feelings. If you have other brothers and sisters with whom you feel close, you might naturally feel that one of them would be an ideal grief partner. Since they probably understand better than anyone else what you are going through. I would caution against choosing one of your own siblings, as they probably won’t be in any position to help you. Remember that they, too, will be dealing with their own loss.
Many people report that they feel uncomfortable asking someone to help them. Or, they simply do not have anyone to ask. If this applies to you, then I strongly urge you to consider sharing your feelings with a grief therapist. You may lack the emotional energy to go through the process of selecting a grief therapist right now. Financial concerns affect many of us these days, but I mention it here as an option for you to begin thinking about.
Having a support person, whether it is a trusted friend or family member (grief partner) or a trained therapist who truly understand the process of grief and who is there specifically for you offers a much-needed emotional safety net.
Finding Additional Support
For help in choosing a therapist, visit:
www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists or www.adec.org
To contact the American Psychological Association, visit www.apa.org