A Disenfranchised Loss

The sibling relationship is more complex than nearly any other; it is a mixture of affection and ambivalence, camaraderie and competition, and much, much more. Aside from your parents, there is no one else on earth who knows you better, because like your parents, your brothers and sisters have been beside you from the very beginning. Unlike your parents, however, your siblings are people you assume will be part of your life for the rest of your life.

In terms of the span of time, the intimacy, and the shared experience of childhood, no other relationship compares to the connection we have with our adult brothers and sisters. Only your brothers and sisters know first hand what it was like to grow up as a child in your particular family. And, though they may have different reactions to—and interpretations of—the same event, only they are able to view your family’s life through such a similar lens.

Although each child is an individual member of a family, he or she is also part of a larger circle that helps to define who we are and provides a link to a common past. Losing an adult sibling, then, can also mean losing a part of yourself, part of that special connection to the past. This is one of the many reasons why the death of a sibling is such a devastating loss.

Over 4.2 million adult siblings will experience the death of a brother or a sister in the U.S. this year, yet many grief experts neglect this type of loss. In 1997, I lost my only brother to a sudden illness; he was forty-three. As a life-long educator, my initial response to my brother’s death was to search for answers. I was certain that with the explosion of the Internet in 1997 and publishing resources like Amazon, I would be able to find books specifically addressing my situation. I spent long afternoons prowling the stacks at our local library and the university library near my home. I investigated grief support groups, various special lectures for the newly bereaved offered by churches, funeral homes, and therapists, and on-line forumsdealing with grief and loss. But in 1997, none of these resources specifically addressed the subject of adult sibling grief.

In my research, the only information concerning sibling loss that I was able to unearth was geared almost exclusively towards young children. Those resources, of course, are certainly necessary and pertinent but I recall asking myself: “Are we suddenly expected to stop caring for our siblings once we enter adulthood?” After all, the endless resources available to aid youngsters in dealing with the death of a sibling indicate the importance of the sibling relationship in shaping our lives. And why would this initial relationship lose any significance as it ripened into adulthood? The sad fact is this: When an adult loses a brother or a sister, society often fails to recognize the depth of such a loss; and this brings us to the focus of this article, understanding adult sibling grief as a disenfranchised loss.

In his book, Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow, Dr. Kenneth Doka states: “There are circumstances in which a person experiences a sense of loss but does not have a socially recognized right, role, or capacity to grieve. In these cases, the grief is disenfranchised.” Doka’s description of disenfranchised loss points to certain groups of people who grieve along the periphery —whose grief is often marginalized and not recognized as “legitimate.”

Disenfranchised grief can best be understood in three basic ways:

The relationship is not socially recognized; for example, the death of a partner in a gay or lesbian relationship, or the death of a former teacher.
The loss is not socially recognized or is hidden from others as in the case of miscarriage, elective abortion, and pets.
The griever is not socially recognized, as in the case of the cognitively disabled, the elderly and young children.
Bereaved adult siblings fit into all three of these areas. There seems to be several factors contributing to the lack of understanding and the dearth of social validation regarding this type of loss

First, we live in a culture that is largely inept when it comes to condolence and other grief-related issues. Most Americans are both unschooled and uncomfortable when it comes to condolence. Moreover, like it or not, there seems to be a pecking order when it come grief. Sibling loss in adulthood, unlike losing a parent, child, or spouse is not generally considered to be a major loss.

Second, it is fairly common for adult siblings to live in different states or even in different countries and it is also common for adult siblings to have a sporadic way of communicating. Losing a sibling who lives far away or losing a sibling you have not visited or spoken to in months, makes it more difficult for those in your immediate social circle to feel any real connection to your loss. After all, most of the people in your life today have probably never even met your sibling. Consequently, surviving siblings often feel an amplified sense of having their grief marginalized.

Third, recognition—when there is one— of a sibling’s death may be mentioned in such a way that fails to acknowledge the surviving sibling’s grief at all. I recall one grieving brother who said: “Lots of people mentioned my brother’s death, but only in the context of those who might be closer him than me and who would therefore have a real claim in grieving for him.” When an adult sibling dies, he or she often leaves behind parents, a spouse/partner, and even children—all of whom suffer a more socially recognized type of loss. This lack of social recognition is the hallmark of disenfranchised grief. Often, the response of the mourner is to conceal his/her grief—which can actually intensify emotional reactions and result in a more complicated grief response. Thomas Attig, in his book, How We Grieve: Relearning the World, writes:

Unwillingness to acknowledge our hurt, the lack of social support, or even sanction, compounds the challenges we face in grieving as they add secondary losses, intensify our feelings of abandonment, alienation, guilt and shame, anger, depression, and meaninglessness and can exclude us from social responses to death such as funerals.

Many surviving siblings accept the societal messages conveyed by silence, apathy or ignorance that tells them that their grief is somehow less important than others. Doka writes: “The concept of disenfranchised grief recognizes that societies have sets of norms—in effect—’grieving rules’ that attempt to specify who, when, where, how, how long, and for whom people should grieve.” The “grieving rules” for surviving adult siblings seem to relegate them the sidelines and to cast them more into the role caregiver rather authentic mourner. For example, when an adult sibling dies before his or her parents, the remaining siblings must not only deal with their own grief, but they must often help their parents to cope with the horror of losing a child, precisely when they may be least equipped to help anyone. This can lead to compulsive caregiving. In fact, what prevents many bereaved siblings from an uncomplicated grief process is the feeling—sometimes real, sometimes imagined— of responsibility for one’s parents and quite often, the deceased sibling’s spouse/partner or children. The assumption by others is that yes, surviving siblings are family members, but their loss is secondary to that of their parents and/or their siblings’ “other family”.

Because of this “secondary status” surviving siblings may be asked to take care of some of the more gut wrenching after-death details, such as disposing of or distributing their sibling’s personal effects, interfacing with lawyers and other professionals, all at a time when they, themselves, are mourning.

All of this can result in feelings of isolation and disconnectedness or feelings of selfishness, anger, and guilt, especially where their parents are concerned. This “secondary status” also makes it more unlikely that surviving adult siblings will seek professional help simply because they do not feel entitled to it.

How can bereavement professionals help surviving adult siblings to both seek and benefit from their services? The first step is education. Counseling adult sibling mourners is not dissimilar to working with other bereaved persons, but there are some distinctive differences, some of which are noted in this article. In 2003, when my book, Surviving the Death of a Sibling: Living through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies (Random House, Three Rivers Press) was first published, there was very little written on this topic; but now, there are many resources available, both written and web-based. In addition to my book and this website there are on-line support groups and other sibling- specific resources such as The Sibling Voice, a bi-monthly newsletter published through Grief Haven (www.griefhaven.org) and sibling support groups offered through The Compassionate Friends (www.compassionatefriends.org), just to name a few. It might be beneficial to explore these and other resources surviving siblings go to for help.

The second step is to simply let surviving siblings know that you are there and where to find you. Each week, I receive several requests for referrals from siblings who have either read my book or visited my website. Fortunately, I do know professionals in my area who are qualified to help surviving adult siblings, but most of these requests are not local and come from all over the world. Most of the requests come from siblings seeking an adult sibling grief support group rather than individual counseling. It seems important to them to connect with other surviving adult siblings and I know that this type of connection can be very healing. I facilitated an adult sibling grief peer support group for several years and witnessed the healing firsthand, but such groups are difficult to find. I would suggest that professionals interested in assisting this special population of mourners, either through counseling or within the context of grief support groups, advertise. The use of social media to get the word out is a quick and effective way to let bereaved adult siblings know who you are and where you are located.

In conclusion, adult sibling grief is a disenfranchised loss that remains largely under-recognized in society and in some sectors of professional grief services. The time has well passed for us to beckon surviving adult siblings from the shadows of disenfranchised loss into the light of healing and hope.

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