Why Adult Sibling Loss is Different

Adult sibling loss is one of the most under-recognized forms of grief in our society. When a brother or sister dies, surviving siblings often find their pain minimized — overlooked in favor of parents, spouses, or children seen as the “real” mourners. This article explores why adult sibling loss deserves recognition as a profound and legitimate form of grief.

The Depth of the Sibling Bond

The sibling relationship is more complex than nearly any other. It is a mixture of affection and ambivalence, camaraderie and competition, and much, much more. Aside from your parents, there is no one else on earth who knows you better. Like your parents, your brothers and sisters have been beside you from the very beginning. Unlike your parents, however, your siblings are people you assume will be part of your life for the rest of your life.

In terms of the span of time, the intimacy, and the shared experience of childhood, no other relationship compares to the connection we have with our adult brothers and sisters. Only your brothers and sisters know first hand what it was like to grow up as a child in your particular family. They may have different reactions to—and interpretations of—the same event, yet only they can view your family’s life through such a similar lens.

Although each child is an individual member of a family, he or she is also part of a larger circle that helps to define who we are and provides a link to a common past. Losing an adult sibling can mean losing a part of yourself, part of that special connection to the past. This is one of the many reasons why the death of a sibling is such a devastating loss.

Adult Sibling Loss: A Gap in Grief Research

Over 4.2 million adult siblings experience the death of a brother or a sister in the U.S. each year, yet many grief experts neglect this type of loss. In 1997, I lost my only brother to a sudden illness; he was forty-three. As a life-long educator, my initial response was to search for answers. I searched the stacks at local and university libraries. I investigated grief support groups, bereavement lectures, and online forums. Yet none of these resources specifically addressed adult sibling grief.

In my research, the only information concerning sibling loss that I unearthed addressed young children almost exclusively. Those resources are certainly necessary, but I recall asking myself: “Are we suddenly expected to stop caring for our siblings once we enter adulthood?” The sad fact is this: when an adult loses a brother or a sister, society often fails to recognize the depth of such a loss. This brings us to the focus of this article — understanding adult sibling loss as a disenfranchised grief experience.

Adult Sibling Loss as Disenfranchised Grief

In his book, Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow, Dr. Kenneth Doka writes: “There are circumstances in which a person experiences a sense of loss but does not have a socially recognized right, role, or capacity to grieve. In these cases, the grief is disenfranchised.” Doka’s description points to people who grieve along the periphery — whose grief others often marginalize and fail to recognize as “legitimate.”

Disenfranchised grief takes three basic forms: the relationship is not socially recognized (such as the death of a same-sex partner or former teacher); the loss itself is hidden (as with miscarriage or pet loss); or society does not recognize the griever (as in the case of the cognitively disabled or very young children). Bereaved adult siblings often fit into all three of these categories.

Why Society Fails to Recognize Adult Sibling Loss

First, we live in a culture that is largely inept when it comes to condolence. Most Americans feel unschooled and uncomfortable around grief. Moreover, there seems to be a pecking order when it comes to loss. Adult sibling loss, unlike losing a parent, child, or spouse, does not rank as a major loss in the eyes of many people.

Second, adult siblings often live in different states or different countries, and they may communicate only sporadically. Losing a sibling who lives far away makes it difficult for people in your immediate social circle to feel connected to your loss. Most people in your life today have probably never met your sibling. As a result, surviving siblings often feel that others dismiss or marginalize their grief.

Third, when people mention a sibling’s death, they often fail to acknowledge the surviving sibling’s grief. I recall one grieving brother who said: “Lots of people mentioned my brother’s death, but only in the context of those who might be closer to him — who would have a real claim to grief.” When an adult sibling dies, he or she often leaves behind parents, a spouse, and children — all of whom experience a more socially recognized form of loss. This lack of social recognition is the hallmark of disenfranchised grief. The mourner may conceal grief in response, which can intensify emotional reactions and result in a more complicated grief process.

The Impact of Secondary Status on Bereaved Siblings

Thomas Attig, in his book How We Grieve: Relearning the World, writes: “Unwillingness to acknowledge our hurt, the lack of social support, or even sanction, compounds the challenges we face in grieving as they add secondary losses, intensify our feelings of abandonment, alienation, guilt and shame, anger, depression, and meaninglessness and can exclude us from social responses to death such as funerals.”

Many surviving siblings accept the societal messages that tell them their grief matters less than others’. Doka writes: “The concept of disenfranchised grief recognizes that societies have sets of norms — ‘grieving rules’ — that attempt to specify who, when, where, how, how long, and for whom people should grieve.” These rules relegate surviving adult siblings to the sidelines. They cast siblings more as caregivers than authentic mourners. When an adult sibling dies before his or her parents, the surviving siblings must deal with their own grief while helping parents cope with the loss of a child. This can lead to compulsive caregiving and a prolonged, complicated grief process.

Because of this “secondary status,” surviving siblings may handle gut-wrenching after-death tasks — distributing personal effects, working with lawyers and estate professionals — all while they themselves mourn. This secondary status also makes surviving adult siblings less likely to seek professional help, simply because they do not feel entitled to it.

Supporting Adult Sibling Loss: What Professionals Can Do

How can bereavement professionals help surviving adult siblings? The first step is education. Counseling adult sibling mourners resembles working with other bereaved persons, but distinctive differences exist. When my book, Surviving the Death of a Sibling (Random House, Three Rivers Press), was first published in 2003, very little existed on this topic. Now, many resources are available — books, websites, and online support groups. Resources like The Compassionate Friends offer sibling-specific support groups and materials worth exploring.

The second step is to let surviving siblings know that you are there and where to find you. Each week I receive requests from siblings who have read my book or visited my website. Most are not local — they come from all over the world. Many seek an adult sibling loss support group rather than individual counseling. Connection with other surviving adult siblings can be very healing. I facilitated an adult sibling grief peer support group for several years and witnessed the healing firsthand. Such groups remain difficult to find, which is why professionals should advertise their services — including through social media — to reach bereaved adult siblings wherever they are.

In conclusion, adult sibling loss is a disenfranchised grief that remains largely under-recognized in society and in many areas of professional grief services. The time has well passed for us to beckon surviving adult siblings from the shadows of disenfranchised loss into the light of healing and hope.

If you experience adult sibling loss and seek support, you are not alone. Visit our Our Siblings page to read stories from others who understand, or contact us to share your own journey. Grief after adult sibling loss deserves recognition — and healing is possible.