I was blessed to be born the youngest of four children. Our mother became a widow when we were children. Our father passed from polycystic kidney disease in the late 1960’s. My brothers were twins and at eleven years old had to grow up quite quickly. My sister was six and I was one.
We all grew up and we were a close-knit family. My brothers Graham and Robert enjoyed drag racing. They had a race car and all of their money went into that. Graham was the driver and Robert the head mechanic. Graham had to get a physical to retain his racing license. Graham was flagged to have high blood pressure and our mother said it might be kidney disease. Scans were done on Graham and that disease came back into our lives. My sister and I were also tested but proved to be clear and there was no chance it would affect us.
A Family Shaped by Kidney Disease
Robert was the stubborn one of our family. He refused for months to have any tests; he just would not talk about it. This was 1993 when our brothers were 37, ironically the same age our father was when he passed.
A few days after Christmas, Mum received a call from the local emergency that Robert was in their care with a suspected heart attack. We went to the hospital and it was confirmed that the heart attack was caused by pressure from having the same kidney disease that Graham and our father had. Robert was put on life support and was air lifted to a larger hospital in the city. We were told bluntly that he may not survive the flight and we were to say our goodbyes. He did survive, and that started his journey. His heart was damaged; his kidneys were damaged so came monthly appointments for Robert and new medications for them both.
At the end of 1996, Robert was put on the transplant list. He needed a new heart and a kidney. He had 15% capacity in his heart and 0% in his kidneys. As a family we waited 15 months and the call came early on 17th April. Robert was getting a new heart in an hour and that same afternoon would get a new kidney.
The operations were successful and we got to see him two days later. I walked into his room and he was sitting up in bed, he smiled and grabs my hand “Check this, I’m warm.” I blurted out “You look so pink.” We had no idea how close to death he was. Lots of things happened that had nothing to do with the transplants and Robert died 8 weeks later when infection took him from us. Even 27 years later I cannot talk about what we all went through in that time. Robert died on 2nd June 1998, at 41 years old. Seeing Graham navigate life without his best friend was something my sister and I never got used to. Life did not make sense at all.
Losing Graham
In 2000, Graham’s kidneys continued to decline and doctors suggested he prepare himself for life on dialysis. My sister and I kept asking him to let us be tested to become a donor. He would have none of it. He was also pretty vocal that he did not want a transplant after what happened to Robert. It had been only two years after Robert died so none of us had really processed the grief of losing him. The last visit Graham had with me and my kids I just pushed him to let my sister and I have a blood test, just to see if we could. It would be his decision ultimately but if roles were reversed, he would do it in a heartbeat for us.
He reluctantly agreed, then he said he always felt he wouldn’t have a long life. The next weekend he visited my sister and her kids at their place. They had a nice time together. Graham made his nephews who were teens at the time to wash his car for the trip home and they jumped into action as they usually did.
My sister and family always go out on the front lawn when someone was leaving and this day was no different. Graham reversed out the driveway, she said she saw him put his hand to his mouth and his car went forwards and came to a stop four houses down crashing into a fence. My sister outran her teen sons and when she got to him, she knew he was gone. A massive heart attack again. Two years and four months apart, Graham was 44. Graham died on October 22, 2000.
My sister and I both got blood tests a few days before Graham died. We found out the day after his funeral that we could not help him in any way. Our brothers had our father’s blood type which was negative and my sister and I had a positive blood type. My sister is now 65 and I am 60. We are both thankful that Graham left this world knowing we loved him and wanted to help. He was back with Robert and our Mum joined them about eleven years later.
Our brothers still make their presence known when we need it. Lots of various inexplicable things and all my sister and I can think “OK, we get it.” Death doesn’t end the sibling relationship; it does change it. I know I’ll miss them until I am with them. I will always be Grub and Bob’s annoying baby sister, because they are my big, bold brothers who always protected me, my sister and our dear mum.