Losing a Sibling to Suicide

My family changed February 14^th, the day we learned my brother Randy died. Every day he is missed. Even 16 years later, it’s hard to believe I have to navigate life without him. No sharing our dreams, our goals, our lives. I’m just broken without him.

On Friday February 13^th, my only sibling Randy took his life. Our lives changed forever when a sheriff came to my parents’ door at 5:30 am next day to inform them they had lost their son. Randy was gone.

His last moments still haunt me. I’ve read the police & coroners reports; I guess I just needed to know how it happened. Suicide leaves so many unanswered questions, yet I knew some of those answers. I was living in Phoenix at the time and my parents lived just an hour east of us. My mom called that morning and said she had to take her car to get serviced. An hour later, they showed up at my front door…with “that look” on their face. I immediately said “What’s wrong? Who died?” They stepped in the front door and my mom took my glasses from my face, set them on the entertainment center. My dad took me gently by the shoulder as if to brace me, looked me in the eyes and said “Your brother. Randy died last night, he took his life.”

I LOST it. My husband was out of state and I just remember running around my house frantically looking for the phone to call him in Oregon. He got on the phone and I just blurted out “Randy died, he shot himself last night.” I just sort of went into a fog, a frenzy of “What the hell do we do now?”

At first, my parents weren’t sure they even wanted to hold a service for him. WHAT? No, I’ll go home to Oregon and do it myself, you stay here. After a bit of processing on their part, we all decided to get on a plane and come home to say goodbye. The pain was so deep; it’s something I can’t even put into words.

We had a beautiful service in our childhood family church – it was PACKED. Packed because Randy affected many lives, his friends loved him so much, and WOW did they show up:  the choir section, along the walls, down the stairs and some even had to stand outside. We all shared stories of him, and people came up to me after sharing even more amazing things about my brother.

I always knew he was a good soul, but the outpouring of LOVE to our family about him just made my heart full. It hurt but at the same time it was wonderful to hear – I’m sure we can all relate to that. I gave a long eulogy to say goodbye; it BROKE ME to my very heart and soul. Even all these years later when I think of Randy, I miss him. Every day. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him.  

We had a great childhood. Loving and doting parents who loved us beyond words and provided the very best they could. We never wanted for anything. We lived in the suburbs of Portland, Oregon, and then in Bend, Oregon. We played outside; we had a farm with horses, sheep, and rabbits; we went on fishing and camping trips, and amazing family road trips. I really hold onto those memories and our fun times together.

I lost him when I was 30, and here I am at 47, lost, without the one person who I always thought would be here, so we could see each other through life and share it together. I love you Randy, so very much. I carry on my days without you, but you are forever with me in my heart and soul.